I open the trunk.  The spare tire isn't there.  Amazing.  Now what.  I look down at my phone, no service.  To the left and right there's highway and a lot of it.  I start walking, I think I saw a town a few miles back.  Thirty minutes into the walk I see a small church over a hill. I make my way towards it.  It looks abandoned.  A parsonage sits on the left side and there's a car in the driveway.  I make my way over, up the porch and knock on the door.  A small man, probably 5' 2" opens it.   Gray hair and lines on his face that could write a book. 

 

"Can I help ya," he says. I tell him my story and he smiles.  "Happens about two or three times a month" he says, "there's a gas station a few miles down the road, I can give you a lift but I've got lunch on the table.  Join me and then we can go. My name's Paul by the way" 

 

I walk into the house.  Typical colonial with the staircase on the right just inside the door heading up to the second floor. I stop and look at the history that climbs the wall up these stairs.  Pictures hang, memories trapped in frames that tell the story of this man's life.  

 

"Those are my kids, my wife, even my two dogs are up there." He chuckles. "They were my best friends a lot of the time".

 

"Where is everyone now?" I ask.  "Oh, they're all gone." He shuffles his feet. "My wife passed on a few years back and my kids are in California and Alaska.  I used to pastor that church there but everything's kind of dried up around here and I'm finding it hard to find a congregation."  He smiles again, a warm smile. The kind of smile that says I'm here to help and I'm here to listen.  

 

We head into the dining room and sit down.  Grilled cheese and ham sandwiches and two Cokes sit on the table.  In the center is a single daisy in a vase.  He sees me staring at it.  "Those were Emma's favorite.  She loved daisies."  I thank him for the food and he says grace.  Thanks God for all of it, the food, the house, the family, everything.  

 

"How can you still have faith after all this time?  You're here alone, your kids have left and your wife is gone and yet you still hold onto your faith.  Isn't that hard? Aren't you lonely? Scared?"  He takes a bite and a sip and I watch his eyes meet mine. "For years I had all that you saw on that staircase.  I had a woman whom I loved.  I have two amazing kids who still check in from time to time which I'm grateful for.  But most of all I have a trust and friendship in a God that loves me unconditionally.  I'm eighty four years old. I've seen Him in the good and the bad.  I've seen Him fight for me and I've seen Him deliver me.  My family.  I loved my wife until the day she died.  The last words that she said to me were, fear not, i'm with you now and forevermore, I love you.  Then she kissed my cheek and slipped away."

 

I apologized. He said, "No need to apologize. It's life.  I'm just really thankful for the time that I had with her.  Fifty five years.  Pretty amazing."  I see his eyes tear a little.  "So tell me your story.  What brings you out on this highway?"

 

"Well, there's a lot to it", I say.  So I tell him everything.  For some reason I felt safe with him.  Comfortable.  He's been a pastor all his life and I'm sure he's heard everything  but he listens to my story as if it was the first time he's ever heard it.  I finish by saying that I'm on my way out to Arizona to see the kids but also try and to turn this around.  "I have to turn this around.  I still love her."

 

The lightning crashes outside and the lights flicker.  The rain comes down in sheets.  Paul heads over to the window to close it before the rain comes into the house.  "Looks like you'll be here for a minute."  He says.

 

 

 

This was a late night session.  I think we started this one at around midnight.  We had this lyric, the melody and the chord changes but needed a hook.  As you can hear in the original demo below, we changed alot of the chorus on this one.  Scotty started playing this beautiful two note intro over the changes that we had and I started singing over it.  It just took shape.  I wish I had recorded it, just the way it came together was really magical.  We knew that we had something special.  Simple.  Something that reflected the love of a father to a child.  

 

We also knew that this was a song that needed strings.  Scotty took the tracks up to Nashville and a guy named David Davidsen arranged them and played with a quartet.  I absolutely LOVE the way this one came out. Tender, sweet.  The message is spot on and exactly what I had envisioned for this one from the very beginning when I wrote it in my attic.  

 

Enjoy this and feel the presence of your heavenly Father holding you close.  Urging you to fear not.  He's here.

It was more than a minute.  The storm raged on for hours, through the night.  The power went out, a tree fell outside and severed the line.  Paul said that this one of the worst storms he'd seen in years.  He was kind, made up a bed for me.  Actually said he was happy to have the company.  We sat by the fire and talked till late into the night.  I learned about his family, his wife, his kids.  All of it.  He had led quite a life.  Content the whole way through, leaning on God through it all.  He gave me hope.  He had a way with words, a way with advice and knowledge that I admired.  

 

He told me that patience was the key.  We are all so very anxious to get to the goal and along the way we miss the journey.  It's all about the journey.  That's where the meat is.  Life is the journey.  It's not the destination.  

 

The more we talk the more I miss my family.  I've missed the journey. I know it.  As Paul talks I drift off in thought again.  His words get clouded and I see this movie in my mind.  My kids growing up, my wife laughing, the house, the life that I used to have.  I've become someone else, this epiphany brings tears to my eyes.

 

I'm tired of trying to be someone else.  I'm tired of this double life. I confess this to Paul. He gives me a nod and a thumbs up.  "That's what it's about Tom.  When we get to that point of being honest, real, authentic. We're getting closer to it.  What that is is different for every person."  

 

I've been living through these days with blinders on.  They've consumed me and all along I've missed the real stuff.  The good stuff.  I feel like I've hit a wall.  

 

Paul is standing by me, shaking me a little.  "Where'd you go Tom," he says.  "I'm here," I say. "I'm just wishing that I'd met you about 10 years ago."  "It's OK," he says.  "You've got time."

 

The next morning we head out, the sun rays breaking through the clouds seem to point an arrow in the direction I need to go.  Paul drives me to my car, we grab the flat tire and head to the gas station.  The house mechanic named Jake gives me a deal there and we're back on the road to fix my flat.  

 

As we drive, I glance out the window.  The car is silent, I hear the thump in the road as the tires roll.  I'm tired.  Tired of all this make believe.  I want my life back.  My real life.

 

Me.  I love this song.  A little throw back to the eighties.  We had fun recording this one.  Listened to a bunch of Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Money, Toto and more before we created the arrangement and recorded it.  

 

The message is simple.  We are meant to be so much more than anything we could ever dream of.  The world continues to push us in one direction, God pushes us in a very different direction.  A direction that speaks of love, hope, truth, honesty, respect, fidelity.  Today, as you listen and read below, think about what that means to you.  As the chorus of this song says "I wanna be me, not someone else that I'm trying to be."  Today, be who God meant for you to be.